May be goodbye..

Restless I wander,

wander through a whorl;

In throes of rejection,

my tarnished soul;

I withdraw myself, from their whips & demands;

They step in my unconscious, I'm all forlorn;

Off society & loyalty, an invisible cloak they don;

I take it all, like a dove,

a swan

They believe they gave me freedom,

that's how I took my flight;

I owe them my whole,

all my laughs, all my cries;

Pre-eminent I was, when I simulated their way;

disgruntled they were, hearing what I had to say

Fuddled yet believing, my love is going to stay

I collect my pieces, to settle this affray 

Society it is, the contour of my being,

I'm forced to hide, they fear me to be seen;

Teary -eyed, I question

since I'm so keen

why should I go invisible, when I'm all clean? 

Answers they don't have,

only assumptions & accusations;

They tie me with their love,

their baseless allegations;

I'm sorry my love, 

for I may lose the fight;

They 'do' love me, no matter, 

how much I deny;

They may not understand, this part of my being;

How I have been loved by you,

just like they say in dreams

I may then have to step, on the cactus of reality;

bound by the shackles, of fake superiority

They will then celebrate my emptiness

my life so dry

after I bid you, that painful goodbye...

* Glistening Star *

  

For the luck so hard and the plans so far;                 

With the smile fading like a molten tar;

For the love of god, and his tricks ajar;

Walk my friend, to that glistening star!

Emotions denied with a slight deride;

Put up a fight, to the cries inside;

Weeping to them , won’t take you far;

Walk my friend, to that glistening star!

Oh boy! Be, where you truly belong!

Out of the cage , beyond worldly bond;

Forgetting, all those attempts  forlorn;

Get what you desire, wear the crown;

For what is gone, there ain't no coming back;

Learn the failure, get back on track;

Fulfill THE PURPOSE, what it is so far;

Walk my friend to that glistening star!

To the star that gives you meaning and light;
The courage to stand with truth beside;
Where the pain subsides and all are smiles;
fluttering its wings, like a pigeon’s flight;

Remember your fight, its all about glory!

Struggle for it, tell no one your story;

For stories , are told and simply forgotten

People won’t care, to them it’s all rotten;

Forget the wound, time will heal scars;

Move on my friend, to that glistening star! :)

The Battle

Early morning when you decide to take a walk, after ages that is, with earphones on , listening to coldplay, in a happy mood set for a happy walk, what can spoil your perfect little morning??

Let me give you a clue. Running and sweating, a group of young girls, in tights, having all the attention in the world. 

Hands down!They were quite an attractive lot at 5.30 yesterday morning. My insecure self couldn’t help but notice their body behavior that was in sync with their good body shape. Hep, classy and sexy. There were four of them. All four short in height , but boy did they have to worry about that! They had a figure I could kill for!

I immediately lowered the volume of my phone, when they walked passed me. It was surprising how envious and intrigued I had become in just a matter of a few minutes! phew! Anyway, I heard them mention something about the school. So it wasn’t really hard to guess that they were school teens, up for a morning walk at 5.30.

Since when did that started happening??!! I used to be all over my bed with arms hanging out and my mouth open until my mum kicked me out of the bed just 10 minutes before the school bus was supposed to arrive. I kept scadoodadling on the jogging track comparing my old kid self to the new hot teens of today..

On my next round, I overheard them, again! and just like that , every time they passed by, I could very clearly hear the discussion they were having. 

So the second round was about a guy named, ASHISH.. “He asked me to but I haven’t really tried it before, m fucking nervous. I think I am just gona go ahead with a little chiggy wiggy” said one of the hot shots, to which the other replied, “Honey, whatever u do, don't give him a fuck, that asshole doesn’t deserve your – if u know what I mean.” That statement was followed by a roar of laughter. My heart skipped a beat. Were these school kids really having the fuck talk?? and why the hell was I surprised? Had I grown old to be thinking this way??

It was time for me to ignore the talk and concentrate on the walk. But timing is a bitch! Instead my brain went into a frenzy thinking about what the guy ashish and the girl in pink tights were planning to do. Was Ashish Her boyfriend? A classmate her age , or a senior guy, or just a friend?? 

While I was brain wracking on this, I simultaneously completed that round asap and spotted the hot kiddy bunch relaxing over a bench . Pretending of being tired of that one round of the park, I went up to the bench that was placed next to them.. just a minute had passed when the ashish's girl in pink tights came up to me n asked for my water bottle. I was intrigued to know more about the school gen of today. So I kicked off the conversation by complementing on her pink tights, which I came to know,  were gifted to her by a "Friend"  on a day when she was really depressed and low about something.. 

 Bloody Hell I have never got anything but a slap and swear words from my friends to wake me up from a depressed/ low sleep..  up until then I had never hated my friends, as much as I did that morning. Pink tights thanked me for my generosity, returned my water bottle and went back to her honey bunch. 

It was hard to listen everything that they were talking about, sole reason : their giggling & roaring laughter.

But i did not give up. What came next was Nothing less than an electric shock. The girls were discussing about the dope night they attended a night before.. “ I was there just to get him out of my mind, but when I took that thing, I just couldn’t think of anything but him!! That’s so ironical” and the dope girl in black tights started crying. !

Crying!! at 5.30 in the morning! in tights !with her girl gang! crying!!

It was hard to believe how healthy my morning walk was turning out to be. As one of them cried, and the other kept on worrying about her sexual fears, and the other two nodded their heads to everything they said, I realized how the meaning of love, sex , friendship or just a morning walk, had changed for the school kids, over all these years.. As much as I appreciated their tights and wished for the very same sexy figure, I took one more round and left thinking, These girls were actually fighting a battle between "What they feel and what they know." 

Everyone fights that battle , everyday! Hell the battle gets worse with time.

Alone in my bed at night I kept thinking about the dizzy eyed young beauties..The hard faces set in smoke, the smell that lingered on their clothes. Their hearts were broken, which they were trying to overcome in their own way.. 

Hangovers, crying, drinking, the fuck talk.. Has the meaning of living life to the fullest changed for the kids these days?? I still am not able to figure out whether these girls were mad, or desperate, to grow up and experience the high life at such a young age? Whatever the case, I wish they stay mad as long as possible because once you are not mad anymore, it hurts.

It hurts like hell and once it hurts that bad, you, can’t make yourself mad anymore.. 

The learning part still goes on though..

I am loading songs like dhak dhak karne laga and channey ke khet me in my phone, for my next morning walk (whenever that happens). Preparing myself, for the next time I see the sexy bitches, or if i am lucky, any hunks, Madhuri would certainly keep me tuned .. I dare not lower her volume! Cuz the lady, revives, "MY" school days!! :)

Useless? Meeee??!!!

Uselessness. My sole motivation to start up my own blog..
Despite of being jobless for now almost 2 years, i wonder why i never tried blogging. My belief- This will surely kill time. :)

I am a journalist by profession. Well kind of, I freelance actually. But it isn't really considered a REAL JOB by people who are more stable and settled professionally. I wonder why. I mean, Ultimately it's all about surviving, eh?

Survival is such a cruel word.. It makes you face the realities.. Damn it reality! Reality is a bitch!

Off topic.

Any who, like any other morning I was supposed to submit an article by 12 today, when my mum stepped in  my room with a large carton of Real juice (Guava flavor, I hate it)

Me(puzzled)- what's with the juice? I just had milk.

Maa(teary eyed)- Have it and tel me what have you decided ultimately?

Classic move of moms, caring, crying and nailing kids at the same time.. How do you react in a situation like this?

Me(sympathetically frustrated) - I told you mumma, I am going to enroll into PH.D this year. why do you keep asking me again  and again? and why are you crying?

Maa - Neha ( I have to use a fake name ) has got a job in a Multinational Company. why don't you try there?

Neha is my aunt's daughter. My mum is obsessed with her success.

"last night u wanted me to prepare for bank exams. what exactly do you want from me?" it was a logical question.. I get so confused :-/

Maa - I just want to see you settled. I know if you try in a good company, you will get a good job with a nice decent salary. what's the point of freelancing? sirf likhne se zindagi nai banti.. kuch krna bhi padta hai. You don't even get payed a decent amount! This is absolutely USELESS.
 
Me(finally screaming) - useless!!!! my writings seem useless to you? !! for god sakes, I am not really doing it for the pay, isey creativity boltey hai mumma! aap ku nai samjhti.........???...

and thus started an endless argument which finally ended with my mum crying about my unemployed state, and wailing in vain.

I always fail when it comes to explaining my philosophies on how to live life.. coz when mumma argues , I look like a homeless face, with theories so apocryphal.

I went on to finish my article. and continued with my doodles in the bedroom. simple notes, nudges, for the memory of self.. But the word useless got stuck in my head. So i thought of doing something usefull. The thought was followed by creation of this blog. However I wonder what's so use full when I continue to write here as well.

I move on with my search for an online life, I write the useless again, with a bit of a strife..